Friday, 4 November 2011

the one who loss...

i really dont know how to write about my loss. im lost. when i lost my mother 7 years ago it took me years to get stable..adleast i have my father during that crucial time..but when i lost both of them..i felt empty.

9 oct 2011, sending abah to schipol airport. i really felt sad that day..felt something strange. i nearly cried when i kiss him and say goodbye. seems like i cant see him anymore..its real i really cant see him anymore.

16 Oct 2011,Im doing my routine calling my dad to know whats his doing..he said he just watching a tv and his ok..he also happily tell me that his sugar level is dropped to 4.2 which is good. he also told that he lost his appetite..he not yet lunch even its already 4.30pm that time, then i ask why..he doesnt know..then we keep on talking. before i hang up, he keep on asking me wheather i have anything else to talk about. things that he rarely do..he used like to hang up even i not finish talking. That was the last day i heard his voice..never thougt that was the last

17 Oct 2011, while im still asleep, my sister called and told me the news that i dont want to hear..abah passed away. rasa mmg x percaya..baru seminggu lps hntar abah kat airport, baru ckp dgn abah the day before, then tgk message on facebook. cousin dah tulis kat wall pun half and hour before. it was so saddaned..abah x pernah ckp dia ade masalah jantung..or maybe dier sendiri x tau. pengorbanan paling besar dalam hidup when you abroad, you cant attend the funeral at all. as for me..besar dugaan nk blk, it took me 2 days to reach malaysia, dgn kapal terbang cansel, delayed, then miss the connecting flight. puas menangis kat airport sorang diri. mujur ade yg simpati

Alhamdullilah walau x dapat menatap jenazah buat kali terakhir..peluang dapat bersama arwah dua bulan sebelum dia pergi adalah rahmat paling besar. tiada siapa menduga..if only i knew. Arwah pegi pun dengan tenang ..masa tido..along kata arwah senyum je.

Perhaps i still feel that none of what has happened is real — as if it is all a bad dream. Dont know how many times do i need to slowly accept what has happened.

Not only have i lost a parent; in a way, i feel i have also lost a part of my past. My parent is my trusted adviser, role model, and my closest friend. Without them to fulfill all these roles, i suddenly feel very alone.

Hanya doa dapat kuberikan abah dan emak..i deeply miss both of you :( Al fatihah